my villagers will start their holiday a week early. they will eat Mexican food at a resturant the first day they are together. entirely too many margaritas will be imbibed, and the eldest female will insist that the fish are blinking.

the next morning there will be pancakes, waffles, fresh fruit, and at least one argument that leaves one of the children in tears, and another confined to the back room for 10 minutes. the villagers will then feast upon shrimp and crab and boiled red potatoes and drink beer and whiskey, for lunch. for dinner there will be more shrimp and crab and turkey sandwiches, more beer and more whiskey.

the next morning there will be waffles and fruit and bacon (turkey). for lunch there will be lasagna (or spagetti)and homemade garlic bread and beer and whiskey. for dinner there will be brisket and glazed ham, green beans, grilled corn, and pumpkin pie, beer and whiskey.

the next morning there will be donuts. for lunch there will be brisket sandwiches, ham sandwiches, and chips, plus beer and whiskey. for dinner- see lunch, new bag of chips.

the next morning there will be whatever is found in the freezer that can be nuked, because the toaster hasn't worked in years. for lunch, see yesterday, new bag of chips. for dinner, there will be fried fish, cole slaw, and french fries, plus beer and whiskey.

the next morning there will be grilled cheese sanwiches for breakfast, subway sandwiches for lunch, and for dinner half of us will have chinese food (probably fried rice) while the other half complains about the immagrants and eats sandwiches again- dont forget the beer and whiskey.

The day before Christmas there will be a huge plate of scrambled eggs (runny) and pre-buttered toast (soggy) and someone will eat half of the jar of olives that are supposed to be on the relish tray -which should have consisted of black olives (half gone) green olives (which no one remembered to buy), dill pickles, cherry tomoatoes, broccoli, squash, zucchini, broccoli, cucumber, and broccoli. Did I mention broccoli? Also, someone will make pigs in a blanket from miniweiners and crescent dough. No one will bother to eat lunch because they will be eating the relish trays. Dinner will be a fried turkey, dressing, greenbean casarole, a fight over whose idea it was to make candied yams when they know no one ever eats them, dinner rolls, and a lot of pie. beer and whiskey.

dinner will be served at 4 pm because one of the men decided he wants to make the 5 hour drive back home after dinner so the girls (teenagers) can open their santa gifts in the morning. he will however, eat too much, drink too much, and forget that he wants to leave because a football game is on (some team he really doesn't care about) and will end up passed out on the couch. By the time he wakes up, it will be too late for them to go home, so he will eat more turkey, go back to sleep, and then take the whole family home in time for Santa to visit them the next afternoon.

At some point, there will have been at least 3 seperate gift exchanges with the family. Generally a "teaser" where everyone gets to open one gift (either the best or worst-always depending on who is playing santa).

The big gift exchange will run smoothly for at most 14 minutes, during which time everyone opens one gift while the rest sit and watch. at some point, one of the elders will realize that the kids have many more presents than the adults too, and tender the suggestion that the kids open two at a time. what happens after that is frequently too horrific to describe- a mess of frenetic movements, paper flying, and pathetic sobbing about someone getting a ribbon stuck in their hair. the adults will retreat to the other side of the island, where they will open their presents in peace. they will then have to resort what gifts each kid was supposed to have gotten.

the third gift exhange will be when the eldest female discovers a stash of presents she had hidden last january, which are completely devoid of tags. the whole family will gather dutifully around, and watch with bated breath as the presents are opened one by one. the men will look at the tags in the underwear just unwrapped to decide who they belong to, the children will argue and tumble about trying to claim control of the many brightly wrapped rolls of quarters. the elders will settle the arguments by handing out 5 dollar bills until everyone has the same amount of money.

after everyone else leaves, children will be herded into the back rooms, and santa will visit. the adults will get chocolate and lottery tickets. the children will get pez and lottery tickets. santa will be disgruntled because no one left any of the super ridicuouly chocolate "brookies" out this year (or any year for that matter) and will search the kitchen for whatever cookies and or pies that remain.

entertainment during the week will consist of christmas music that has actually been played constantly since june, and every christmas movie ever made, including a few that will scare any and all young children. someone will attempt to start a round robin version of the 12 days of christmas,, which will break down into a shouting match when someone claims that there are in fact 11 lords a leapings, someone else will claim that the lords are sleeping, and yet another person will ask who on earth wants a partridge in a pear tree, because you can't make a good mean out of just one partridge. the men will then start talking about hunting season and forget the singing all together. at some point, popcorn will be popped to string in an effort to replace the popcorn that has been eaten off the tree by various cats, dogs, and cildren. unfortunately, these same children will proceed to eat all of the popcorn before it can be restrung and put back on the tree.

someone will rediscover the CD with I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas and there will much mirth and merriment as children, adults, and elders alike settle down and sing the song. it will be played repeatedly, ending when one of the elders gets tired of it, and hides the CD, to be rediscovered next year.

happy holidays.

the other half of the family will not get together because they cannot agree on anything for more than a milisecond. if perchance they do gather, one of the men will drink entirely too much and punch one of his brothers, who has also had entirely too much. if the police are not called and no stitches are required, everyone will disperse and drive home, leaving the gifts that they brought with them, taking the gift that they will probably open sometime after new years. by the time the 4th of july rolls around, most family members will be speaking again.

while this is entirely accurate, it is fun. entertaining at the very least.